Kitty's Corner

15 Dec 2017

KB Abroad: A Winter Roundup

Kitty December 15, 2017 0 Comments

I’m sitting on the train, listening to ‘Driving Home for Christmas’, which I suspect most of us on our year abroad are doing as we begin our journey home. What a term. I can hardly believe that I’ve completed four months of my year abroad. The last two weeks have been an absolute slog – last week was a project week on modern music (in which I sang in 6 concerts!) and this week was more of a mental slog as I have just been so focused on getting back home. It really affected my practice and concentration, which made it even more frustrating! But now I am on the way to the airport with three weeks of home time ahead of me, which begins tonight with watching my cousin perform with her drama group. I'm really hoping it'll be a Love Actually lobster costumes vibe, but I think that might be asking too much...

All I can really think about right now are mince pies, which is making writing a blog post quite difficult. However, I feel much more aware of what is a typical British Christmas because having shared with Dutch, Swedes, Spaniards and Latvians what constitutes a Christmas dinner, needless to say they are all extremely different! Strangely enough I feel somewhat proud of our Christmas day traditions and this year I think I am more excited than ever to sit around the table with my family and eat my bodyweight in food.

There’s something that speaks to me a little bit more than usual when listening to ‘Driving Home for Christmas’ today. Although it’s always been a great Christmas anthem conjuring up images of Smithy in his Volvo singing his heart out to it, home feels a lot stronger this year. This will be the longest stretch of time I’ve been away from home and while there’s a lot of the Dutch lifestyle that I love, I actually miss the UK a bit! (despite the state of its politics...)Absence makes the heart grow fonder after all. I was a little bit nervous as ‘home’ in Bristol hasn’t been home for very long but actually I know that wherever my dogs are is home… oh and my family. It’s probably much like the Boomerang post that I wrote back in April. I’ve been out spreading my wings for the last few months and learning a hell of a lot about myself and my capabilities, but I’m also 100% ready for some down time and to recharge a little bit in order to keep up the same momentum.

Looking back over the last few months, it has certainly been a roller coaster. I feel like I have been through almost every emotion on the spectrum… and I still have six months to go! It’s tough to juggle university, homesickness, socialising, a long distance relationship, practising and learning the language (at least attempting to..) all at once, so sometimes it does seem quite overwhelming. However, those days where these things all go well and I feel happy and proud of myself are making this year absolutely worth it.

Lots of christmas love,

Kitty

24 Nov 2017

KB Abroad: The Power of Letting Go

Kitty November 24, 2017 0 Comments

Almost 2 months without a proper blog post, shame on me! I should take inspiration from blogging goddess/good friend/blog mentor Alice Dodd and up my blog productivity game. But alas, November had me lacking blog inspiration, until today!

The majority of us these days are guilty of experiencing that running commentary that goes through our heads, whether it’s at work, when speaking or when looking at yourself in the mirror. It’s all too easy to think ‘I’ll never achieve that’, ‘I’ll never be as good as them’, ‘I wish I could lose a few kilos’… it goes on and on. And it’s no surprise either, for this is a direct result of a bombardment of information from all media sources.

Last week I finished a class called podiumpresentatie or stage awareness and I really think it has changed the way I think about my performing. The classes involve performing a piece to the group and talking objectively about what you experienced during that performance. The teacher, Mart Blom, provides ideas about what can be done to combat nerves, obvious problem areas or difficult passages in a very safe and non-judgmental way. This often comes through reminders like ‘breathe’ (a phrase which was probably the most commonly used throughout the classes!) and reminding us to stay present in the moment and taking our awareness to the whole room. It’s seriously fascinating how these seemingly simple aspects of life enhanced our engagement as performers (from a range of instruments) and as an audience. We want to control things, and for musicians this is much the same. So, today I want to share with you some of the lessons I learned through the simple act of ‘letting go'. (This mostly relates to what I learned musically, but I feel this also has some relevance to daily life too..)

It’s scary

Letting go is ALWAYS scary, because it taps into a fear of the unknown. Often this self-criticism has become ingrained in our system and like quitting any bad habits, it takes time, practice and trust. Fearing the unknown is understandable, but if we don’t venture into it, (whilst making a few mistakes along the way, musically or personally) you might not learn the limits of your instrument or environment.

Empowerment

Leading on from the first point, once you test those limits, finding a feeling that you didn’t realise was possible is so empowering. In the final class, a friend and I performed a modern piece that I had been finding particularly difficult and was dreading performing in an upcoming concert. After working on it in front of the group, maintaining my sense of spacial awareness and allowing the difficult passages to come and go without over-analysing, I felt like a new woman. I never thought I would be able to feel comfortable with that piece and yet, (granted, it’s not perfect yet and still throws up a few issues here and there) now I know that I have the capability to sing it in front of people without having a mini breakdown. That’s always a bonus…

Not controlling vs Out of control

The thought of not controlling a certain difficult phrase or note can be seriously challenging and scary because it seems contradictory to be ‘out of control’ during a part that is difficult. However, recognising the difference between not controlling and being out of control has really changed my approach (in a positive way) when tackling these problems in my own practice. The more we worry about our faults or previous mistakes, the more our work will be scattered in them. Leave the past in the past and set aside the commentary - the difference can be immeasurable.

I have learned some invaluable lessons through this (all too short!) course; the power of presence and awareness will definitely stay with me. I think letting go is one of the hardest things to remember to do, especially when you want whatever you are doing to be as perfect as possible – but perfection is intangible and the more we recognise that, the more empowered we will feel. Performance, in all its forms, is a process. Ultimately letting go of the running commentary and self-judgement equips you with the tools you need to combat challenges that arrive, in life and music!

KB
x

# blog # blogger

13 Oct 2017

patriarchy

Kitty October 13, 2017 0 Comments

our society craves

a change

a recognition

an understanding

of the resilience

and strength of women.

a field of flowers ready to bloom

continually demolished by powers

beyond their reach

my skin crawls

my blood boils

at the men who have the audacity

to exploit the strength and intelligence

of my sisters.

it's time to stop making excuses for sexual harrassment and inappropriate male behaviour. in light of the Weinstein scandal, i took to a slightly different form of writing. lets make a change.

30 Sept 2017

KB Abroad: Caramel, Choir and Coping Abroad

Kitty September 30, 2017 0 Comments

Is it just me or has September flown by?! Not that I’m complaining because I do love October – a truly autumnal month, to be wrapped in warm jumpers, and of course more importantly, my birthday month.

September has been a period of adjustment and still I am getting used to life out here, but as the weeks go on, I’m loving it more and more. My singing lessons with my fabulous teacher are the highlight of my week and an absolute joy! Meeting more people, taking day trips, rehearsals and a short trip back to the UK to celebrate my boyfriend’s birthday. I’m quite exhausted to say the least but learning so much, musically and personally.

Firstly, I have a confession to make. September has seen me have a new food obsession – Stroopwafel. And to my hilarity, if you know The Great British Bake Off (and if you don’t then you should), Caramel Week involved these delightful Dutch delicacy. I say hilarity because earlier that day I had eaten four, yes, FOUR of them. They are possibly the most delicious thing I have tasted and I do everything in my willpower to stop eating my bodyweight in them – so far, I have failed.

Caramel Week - Noel Fieling + Stroopwafel = heaven

There are seven other Erasmus students studying at ArtEZ and this month we've all got to know each other quite a bit and (luckily) we all get on really well. A few weeks ago we took a trip to Den Haag for the day, visited Mauritshuis where Vermeer’s famous painting ‘The Girl with the Pearl Earring’ is, looked around the parliament buildings, browsed the markets and wandered through the city. It's a beautiful city, with a huge beach too, so I was one happy gal. Tonight we are being cooked a typical German dish by Karin, but our next trip is hopefully going to be Berlin in a couple of weekends time and I can’t wait get back there!

Before leaving the UK, I had already booked a trip back to Manchester for a month after arriving. It was a good goal to aim for and definitely kept me motivated having a weekend to return to the UK and catch up with people. The main reason I was there was to celebrate Will’s birthday, which was supposed to be a surprise, but rather embarrassingly I failed on that front not once but twice. Yes, that is possible. (Note to self: Surprises don’t work if you are a bit of an air-head, or if your boyfriend works irregular hours…) Nonetheless it was a really fun weekend to relax and to also catch up with two of my closest friends who study there, who always help to keep me afloat! I feel very at home in Manchester, having lived there for two months in the summer, so I was a little concerned about how I would feel upon leaving the UK, but luckily I was distracted by an exciting project starting when I got back to the Netherlands.

CUE SEGUE What a coincidence! Yes, this segues rather nicely into mentioning an opportunity that I am extremely grateful to have been given. For musicians, an awful lot of exposure and opportunities come from being in the right place at the right time. My singing teacher here had told me about a choir that takes place in the Conservatorium which is run by Klaas Stok, a famous conductor in the Netherlands. This choir rehearses for the student Choral Conductors and they needed some extra singers. I happily went along and afterwards was asked if I would be interested in depping for a choral project that was coming up, to which I agreed. Having no idea what it was, (and assuming it would be amateur) when I was given the details and found out it was a professional choir I was daunted and humbled. The first rehearsal was on Monday evening and because I was so preoccupied worrying if I was good to enough to be there and whether I would keep up, I kind of distracted myself from readjusting to having just been in England. So tomorrow is my first of four concerts with Consensus Vocalis, doing a programme of Bach and I am really quite excited!

From time to time I have down days, but the highs are definitely outweighing the lows and that’s the best thing to remember moving forward. Living away from home is really hard but also very rewarding, so keep everything in perspective!

Catch ya soon pals,

# blog # bloggers

5 Sept 2017

KB Abroad: 10 things I learned in my first 10 days

Kitty September 05, 2017 0 Comments

Today, a blog that is rather more personal, but one that marks the start of a ‘year abroad series’ – a little cliché but a good way to highlight significant events in the next year. I've moved to a country of bikes, cheese and lots of canals! There are hundreds of great things about a year abroad, but there are also moments of doubt. So today I'll take you through some of the highs and lows of the first 10 days here in the Netherlands, because there are a few things that get bypassed when someone tells you about their year abroad…

1. Doubting why I did a year abroad

I never ‘chose’ to do a year abroad. I went to Leeds because my programme had a year abroad built in. Although I mentioned that before Christmas I thought about dropping it, I never really questioned what it would mean to pack up to a new country and study there for a year. Let me tell you, it is daunting beyond my imagination and I completely and utterly underestimated it. I arrived and within 24 hours I wanted to go home. The reality of what I had decided to do became all too real and I was totally unsure of how to deal with it. I was faced with exhaustion and anxiety at what felt like every moment of the day and it was completely overwhelming.

2. Parents are heroes

I like to be independent and often find it quite hard to say ‘Hi yes actually I’m struggling please can you help me’. It might not come as a surprise then, that when my first week took me to a difficult place mentally and I was struggling to do daily tasks because there were a LOT of tears, I felt that I shouldn’t ask for help. To cut the story slightly short, my mum (the hero) flew to the Netherlands that same day in order to help me settle and my dad followed a few days after. I was so apprehensive to say yes to them flying out, but deep down, I knew I needed some help and moral support in order to feel more comfortable in this new city and country. I’m lucky that my parents are willing to do this for me, but it’s so important to recognise that when you fall down, there are ways of being picked back up again.

3. Crying is A.O.K

Crying is 100% ok and I can only say that now because I spent the most part of my first week either holding back tears or just letting them flow freely. New language, new people, new university… It’s definitely normal to feel a bit lost and teary, especially if you’re a bit on the sensitive side like lil old me. So if you feel like curling up in bed with a cup of tea and Netflix, go ahead my friend, there is no judgment here! Just make sure that it’s in balance with taking opportunities, meeting fantastic new people and venturing out into a bit of the unknown, no matter how much you feel you can’t.

4. Brexit is a great ice-breaker

Just mentioning the comical situation of UK politics is a really great way of talking to people. Everyone seems to be interested in why we voted for it (not that many of us really know that anyway) and wants to know what will happen (yeah… we also don’t know that one either). Laughing through the pain of our country becoming a political and economic laughing stock has its benefits…

5. Holland is flat

Like, really flat… I don’t think I had realised just quite how flat it is.. which is great for cycling, but also really strange when you realise there’s no dramatic landscape views and a very abrupt coastline.

6. Dutch speak English ridiculously well

And it makes me feel a little embarrassed that the British education system fails to equip school students with decent language skills in even one other language. Perhaps it is the remaining legacy of British Empire that quashes our desire to learn languages, because so many others speak English. Nonetheless it is completely humbling!

7. The first day in a new uni is strange

It’s daunting and rewarding. My year abroad is slightly different from the typical exchange as a lot is expected of us. Many people do a year away to see another part of the world, travel but mostly have a good time. Being on an exchange at a music college, all these things are on my to-do list for the year, but we are also expected to hone our performance and technical skills that our instrument requires. I haven’t experienced an environment like this before so of course, my first day was quite nerve-wracking. However, coming away feeling inspired, motivated and excited was a reminder that without venturing into the unknown, we might not discover the depths of our capabilities.

8. Take baby steps

It’s so easy to expect everything to fall into place at once, when in reality it takes time. With new people, a new routine and a new environment, the productive day isn’t going to happen overnight. The first couple of weeks in a new city are also e x h a u s t i n g, so by setting a realistic idea of what is achievable in these first few days will be much more manageable than loading everything at once.

9. Feel the fear and do it anyway

This was the name of my previous blog post, so I felt it rather apt that this should be on my list. When handed my timetable, I wasn’t entirely sure what all the modules were so I thought ‘Ok, let’s just go to them and see what they’re like’ So, when I found myself in a class which combines performance, composition, improvisation and arranging, I felt completely out of my depth. Apart from performance, I have only touched upon the other topics. I fought every instinct to walk out of that classroom saying, ‘Sorry, but this isn’t for me.’ The realisation that I could use this year to challenge some of my weaknesses suddenly seemed like an incredibly appealing opportunity, rather than just leaving them to fester further! So many people say you can reinvent yourself on your year abroad, but actually you just give yourself the capacity to be challenged and learn so many things about yourself because of that.

10. This is an incredibly unique experience

The likelihood of being able to study in this way, in another country for the small amount of money that I’m paying is really unlikely (lol thanks Brexit). The long and short of it is, make the year count for something, even though I might not know what that something is yet.

Going on a year abroad is really hard, but I have no doubt that for the few times that I feel unsettled and anxious, there will be twice as many amazing experiences in the year that lies ahead.

KB

x

# blog # blogging

26 Jul 2017

Feel the fear... and do it anyway

Kitty July 26, 2017 1 Comments

This morning shit got real. I woke up and realised I needed to stop denying the inevitable year ahead. It's exactly one month until the start of my year abroad, so I finally booked my flight to Holland, my new home for the next year. I can't pretend that I’m not incredibly nervous because that would be a lie; I'm moving to a new country, to spend a year at a music college with no other people I know... It's going to be intense.

I have never been particularly good with change, in fact, I tend to freak out a bit when things go a little differently. And despite having experienced a fair few changes, the biggest one to date being moving to Dorset in 2012, (which if we're judging from evidence, turned out pretty darn well) it's still something that tends to leave me feeling a little unsettled. That said, over the last few months I have moved out of my home in Dorset and Leeds, lived in Manchester for 7 weeks and now I am in my family's new home in Bristol with a month to go before my next chapter in The Netherlands. I felt a little uprooted, but in reality my roots will always be there, they're just spreading a little, and isn't that part of what life's about? (EPIPHANY)

What I'm starting to realise is that there isn't a right or wrong way to do things. Yes, there is a legal system we have to take into account, but when it comes to our jobs, education, emotions... the spectrum is almost infinite. We take life at our own pace, in our own way and we have to be patient with ourselves if sometimes we feel we are responding to a situation differently from others. It's neither bad nor good, it's just as it is, but it can be so hard to maintain that perspective of objectivity because we are almost conditioned to judge ourselves nowadays. This will definitely be a thought that I try and bring with me into the next year, especially when it comes to studying music as it can often feel so brutally personal.

There was a period just before Christmas when I so nearly pulled out of applying for my year abroad, but boy am I glad I didn’t. The prospect of that year became a reality and it scared the bejesus out of me. It would have been an all too easy option to finish my degree in the usual three years, opting out of the year abroad that had originally persuaded me to study at Leeds.

Just over a year ago, I wrote the post Art Changes, We Change, a post I am really proud of. Reading over it again, it reminded me that it's OK to do things a bit differently; embrace the individuality! Mum once said to me 'feel the fear and do it anyway', the perfect mantra if you're ever doubting your own ability, because now I find myself probably just as scared as I was before Christmas, but with a little more excitement thrown in. I'll be living in a beautiful city, in a culturally-thriving country with the rest of Europe on my doorstep. I'd be a fool not to make the most of that while I can (and while we're still in the EU...).

Catch you in The Netherlands friends.

KB
x

Zwolle - my new city!

# blogger # bloggers

23 May 2017

The Courage of Love

Kitty May 23, 2017 0 Comments

An ominous grey cloud landed on the UK today, leaving in its wake despair and devastation. The heart-breaking news of what happened in Manchester yesterday evening came as such shock to us all, wishing that it might not be true. It actually took me a couple of hours to really register and reflect on what had happened. So, naturally I turned to the only way I really know how to process and express my feelings.

To feel afraid in your home city or country is an unsettling thought. The place we might have grown up or called home, now held hostage by an attack that took the lives of the most vulnerable and innocent in our society. An attack by people who cannot comprehend, nor understand the infinite boundaries of the human soul and spirit, which in the most desperate of times the Mancunian people demonstrated that they have that spirit in abundance. They opened their homes and offered their help on the night of one of the worst acts of terror Manchester has seen. They showed that despite these attacks, kindness will still prevail. And it must.

Those who conduct these attacks aim to break up our society, they seek to rip us apart through sowing seeds of fear into our minds and divide us. What we all have to remember now is that they will not succeed by throwing violence and hatred at us, because we will always respond with compassion. Compassion for those who are suffering and for those who are vulnerable. We must act with love to everyone around us, understand that it is people with a warped view of the world, acting in a selfless way that is not true to the values they claim to be guiding them.

It is almost a year since the day Labour MP and humanitarian activist Jo Cox was murdered and I feel it is quite fitting to be reminded of part of her maiden speech in parliament.

‘We are far more united and have more in common than things that divide us’

I really think this is so important to remember as we move forward from this day. It takes courage to overcome our fears, to trust in people and to show solidarity, but it was shown last night and I hope it will continue to be shown in the future. When we act with love and courage, we can stand up to the adversity that we see before us and this, now more than ever, is how we must respond to last nights attack.

the words of Rupi Kaur. My thoughts go out to all those affected by the attacks last night, may they find peace and hope.

1 Apr 2017

Being a Boomerang

Kitty April 01, 2017 0 Comments

So after saying in my last post that I hoped my blogging might blossom a bit more in 2017, it’s taken me until 1^st April to actually get my act together and write something. This has been borne out of having an incredibly busy term and realising that I’m not as independent as I might have thought and that it’s also not bad to come to that realisation!

I, like so many other Music students, struggle to say no to things and this term I think I reached my breaking point. I have always thought I could just manage anything, but it turns out I actually can’t… I feel like there’s this expectation at university to appear as though you are having the best time of your life and when you aren’t there must be something wrong with you. Errrr hello? Everyone’s different and will experience university life very differently. For me, I have experienced some of the most stressful times and I know I am not alone in feeling like university isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. And that’s not to say it’s not great, because it is great. I’ve met great people and experienced great things. However, sometimes the nights out, the workload and business of uni life doesn’t leave you feeling as fulfilled and happy as you might have thought. (This could segue into how I feel student support should be easier to access, but I might leave that for another day.)

What I’m trying to get at, is that it’s ok to admit that you’re not ok and that returning home makes me feel better because you get that TLC and safety of home comforts. Throughout first year, I was determined to feel as though I didn’t need to go home and I didn’t need my parents because I was moving out and then I would be an adult and my parents couldn’t tell me what to do anymore, right??? However, even though now I’m 21, I still like nothing more than a hug from Mum and Dad and a coffee with my school friends. It’s perfectly 100% acceptable to admit that you need a break and to reset. I am terrible at self-love - acknowledging where my strengths lie, giving myself time and space just for me - but I feel like I’ve reached a point where I’d like to feel more positive, so I think I need to take a bit more time to practice self-love. If I don’t feel like going out that’s fine! If I’m not getting the grades I want, there are ways to change that and I don’t need to beat myself up about it because actually, it’s not the end of the world. I think I continually forget that university is not just about academia, but also self-discovery. By which I mean, working out who are the best people to live with, understanding budgeting…. (thank goodness for my overdraft) and becoming the fully fledged adult my parents hoped that I could become.

There is a piece of writing by Khalil Gibran about children and their relationship with parents and life. It makes the analogy of a bow and arrow as the parent and child; that the bow must line up the arrow to the best of its ability in order to release it into the world and allow it to flourish on its own. As we start to leave home, we realise we are the arrow in full flight, not really sure where we will land and that can be really scary! I do understand and love this analogy, but right now I feel more like a boomerang and coming home reminds me that although I want to be out in the world discovering things, it’s definitely healthy to return home for rest and recuperation before venturing out again. I have numerous worries and doubts about what I am going to do with my life, whether I am doing the right degree and why I don’t feel like I’m having the best time ever but, I believe it’s better to ask all these questions than to do what I feel is expected of me. There are 80+ years that don’t involve university, so if there’s 1 week, 1 term or 1 year that isn’t enjoyable, I will accept that, try and make the necessary changes and hope that the good times will roll in.

Dad has always been my fashion icon x

15 Dec 2017

KB Abroad: A Winter Roundup

24 Nov 2017

KB Abroad: The Power of Letting Go

13 Oct 2017

patriarchy

30 Sept 2017

KB Abroad: Caramel, Choir and Coping Abroad

5 Sept 2017

KB Abroad: 10 things I learned in my first 10 days

26 Jul 2017

Feel the fear... and do it anyway

23 May 2017

The Courage of Love

1 Apr 2017

Being a Boomerang

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